Shake Box

Just spent a week in the 787 simulator. Here is what it looks like from the outside if you don't know what I'm going on about-

We go in this bloody thing for 4 hrs at a time and learn to fly the plane and the instructor usually makes disasters happen that we then have to deal with.  It's all quite good fun really, until someone farts. 

The main lark is to fly about on one engine and then get shitty weather so that we can barely land.  As the years have gone by and the aircraft I've flown have gotten more clever, the sweat and fear smell has lessened  considerably over that time.  This thing it's a piece of piss really.  The computer helps the little pilot monkeys a lot and in turn reduces my bodily excretions.  Everyone's a winner!

Here's the baby that helps me massively-

This is the HUD (head up display).  Never used one before but I can't live without it now (bit like Babybel cheese).  I hardly have to look in as all the info I need is right there.  It isn't quite focused right in the sim, it should be to infinity but it isn't.  I need to keep closing one eye to have it and the runway in focus at the same time (sat there winking like Jimmy Savile in a creche).  Thankfully I've been assured the real thing works as it should.

And here is the real deal being smashed to pieces in the US-

Be gentle, buffoons!

There you go.  A little peek into what's going on in Dreamliner world.  If they haven't destroyed it over the next couple of weeks, I should get my hands on the bad boy early July.  

Zen Vs Malcolm Tucker

Just started watching "The Thick of It".  If you haven't seen it DO SO IMMEDIATELY.  It's on Netflix.  It is a few years old now and why I resisted watching it first time round I do not know.

The main character is a Scotsman by the name of Malcolm Tucker.  He has to be the best character ever.  If you like clever, outrageous swearing that is.  A few years ago I would have been desperate to swear as well as him.

Here he is!

Here are some choice quotes (remember Scottish angry accent)

Miscellaneous Civil Servant: Can you stop swearing, please?

Malcolm: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, you won't hear anymore swearing from us YOU MASSIVE GAY SHITE! FUCK OFF!

Jamie: I'm not leaving it to you, you couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.

Malcolm: Au contraire.

Malcolm: Here he is! Cock like the Pink Panther's tail.

Doug Hayes: I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are to me.

As funny as this is, I'm reading a book called "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" and really enjoying it.  I've calmed down too much I think!!  What to do...... watch more Thick of It!

Go on, have one more, pretend it's me-

Zen Richy: And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. [Phil tries to protest] DO NOT FUCKING interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right. You breathe a word of this, to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT, and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right!?

Phil: [nods in shock] Yeah.

Zen Richy: Now, get out of my fucking sight.

Phil: Yeah. [wanders off, visibly terrified]

Life has begun!

The 40th birthday has come and gone.  The day was spent in Oslo, a few beers were had but not enough to fall over.  It's rather expensive there and would've had to borrow money against my house to afford a major piss up.  

Officially I am to be treated as an adult by everyone although I don't intend acting like one.

As can be seen in the work's BBQ-

One of my better jokes that evening

The ponderously slow process to start works grinds along.  I'm hoping there will be some cool GoPro videos at some point and I'll try to find suitable backing music for it.  It'll save you, dear reader, having to listen to my stupid accent and vulgar language.

Promises, promises.

Running Wild

An excellent night out in down town Glasgow to see Iron Man 3!  Great film and well worth seeing.  (Star Trek was also great but that was at Imax, a short walk from where I live- go see them both!)

Walking down toward the subway we heard this shouting.  Christ, here we go, I think to myself.  But no!  It was some kind of weird tour with a really shouty Glaswegian doing his thing to some nervous looking tourists.  The guy was laying it on thick but made me laugh from the 30 seconds I could hear him.

Then, zombies!  Looked like a fun version of tag where zombies chased survivors and I assume they get the makeup on and become zombies too.  Ah, young people today.  Again, looked like a lot of fun if I was 20 years younger.

Finally, we waited patiently for the tube.  The excitement didn't end there!  Some cracker decided it was a good idea to walk down the tunnel.  I was secretly thrilled at the idea of him bursting into flames if he touched the electric rail but was offset by the thought of never getting home if this happened.  I bravely jumped on the emergency phone and blurted some high pitched squeal. They got the message anyway and sent staff to remove the naughty chap.

Phew.  What a night.

As a bonus Glasgow treat, have my favourite economist Max Keiser interviewing Frankie Boyle.  Frankie is putting on his poshest voice but non-Scots may need subtitles.

Glasgow Brawl

Reading my favourite magazine this morning, one of the commentators opened with the line "Starting an argument about the eurozone is about as easy as starting a fight in a Glasgow pub".

Firstly, yes, this is the shit I read about these days.  My interests wobble between financial apocalypse and environmental apocalypse but other than that I'm a pretty happy, chirpy person.

Secondly, I've never had a fight in a Glasgow pub.  Perhaps it's the pubs/times I go that avoids all the arseholes that wander this town.  Mainly city centre on Friday/Saturday night.

Here is a video example.  Could be a typical weekend evening-

The first 60 seconds of this is Glasgow!  I kid not.  At 47 secs you'll get a glimpse of George Square.

Great how I can sneak zombies into everything!

If you haven't visited Glasgow, come and visit.  It's a beautiful place with lots to do.  The point of this was to show that posh southern twats know nothing about Glasgow these days. (Posh southern twat being the commenter at the start of this drivel).

Change of Mind

I was going to share a classic Alan Partridge joke about animal extinction that included cats and hammers but  instead I shall share perhaps the best advert EVER

Behold my pretties....

I just can't shake the Trekkie in me.

Speaking of which...

New Star Trek movie, next week, IMAX.  I'll pencil that in as highlight of the month.

Squeezing One Out

The Boeing factory has had another baby!  This one is more special that the rest because I'm going be in charge of it one day.  That is to say I'll drink tea and fart occasionally and no one can say a word.

Being pulled out of the paint shop 

Almost finished the course.  It is a clever bit of kit and which has good and bad aspects.  The good is that it's very easy to fly.  The bad is that it's very easy to fly.  Hmmm.  It is a good thing to be challenged and tested sometimes.  Not really going to happen with this thing.

There are two server racks in this thing called CCRs (Common Core Resources).  They basically do everything and we have absolutely no control over it other than a reset switch.  They have taken the fun out of my life.  That's okay, I can live with it.  To make up for it, we'll be going to some rather nice destinations.  No more dark little Greek Islands in the middle of the night for me!

Yeah, Whatever

Start my training this weekend!!  How exciting.

But

Who gives a shit about that?!

This game I got off Steam for a couple quid is immense!

FTL: Faster Than Light

The graphics are 80s, as is the sound.  All deliberate.  The gameplay is phenomenal. So difficult, frustrating but the more I play the better I get (by wafer thing margins).  

Tactics are the name of the games here, choosing your battles, knowing when to GTFO (only learned this one recently)

Who'd have thought such a basic looking game could generate such tension and excitement.  Hammering you opponent to try to destroy his shield generator and weapons. Oh no!  The prick has destroyed your O2 generator and time is running out to fix it.  Do you take a guy off weapons or shields to repair it?  Shite, it's caught fire!  Vent the effected area.  I've been boarded, run away!.....

You get the idea.  Just good, honest fun like the old days.  

It's cheaper than a pint of Asahi.  

Anyway, did I mention I'm starting training? 

Box

My employment relies on authorities agreeing that putting the burning thing in a stronger box is a good idea.

I hope the box is strong.

Is this relevant?

Lord of the Rings!

I reckon this is pretty much Lord of the Rings without having to watch 3 weeks worth of extended edition nonsense.  I'm so busy I just don't have time!

Haven't watched it in a while but I'm pretty sure that's how it went down.

Chill Out Fail

Fancied a bit of Chill Out music on my ipod speaker thing to start the day.  Dial up good old Bloom.FM and hit the chill out section.  Get this-

The title of "Fuck Buttons" might have warned me

It plays away, liking it.  Gets into some distorty type bass guitar or something which I also like but not very chilling (more like my NIN and alternative metal) then five minutes or so a guy starts screaming Death Metal! Christ on stage, I'm now totally not chilled out and feeling quite anxious about the day ahead, for no other reason than I've just been screamed at.  

I love the song but not first thing in the morning.  

It's gone all tinkely again so I may survive the day.  

Bloom.FM, you're adept at psychological torture, aren't you?  Cheeky one.

Slightly Nervous

The mess above is making me nervous.  It's the battery out of the 787 which has grounded the fleet.  I'm meant to be flying this thing in a couple of months.  A plan B has be instigated (out in the desert where I really don't want to be) but the whole process has gotten on my tit end.

Boeing know how to make planes so I'm sure they will be flying again very soon.  After that, I'm hoping to have photos up of my inane grin with some nice tech in the background.  Preferably not smoldering.

A collective crossing of fingers please, so that it's resolved quickly and I can start in gainful employment again.

Unfunny post I know.  Have 2 funny gifs to balance our Yin and Yang.

I love SF

San Francisco!  Also Sci Fi of course.  This lovely vid combines both in a very sympathetic way (SF always seems to be the target in Star Trek.  Leave it alone!  Try Glasgow, nuke it and it won't make that much of a difference).  Had one of my best holidays ever in SF.  Although a tramp shouted at me.  That wasn't cool.  Otherwise a very nice place to be.

I've always felt sorry for the Empire.  Really well equipped and organised, they really should have  prevailed.  Gives Hippies the idea they can win.  Perhaps they can but I can't abide the wishy washy pseudo science and shite that comes out of their mouths (spend a little time with the clientele in No.78 and you'll see).  Good music, I'll give you that. 

Being a square can be onerous sometimes.  Although I skirt dangerously close to hipsterish behaviour (in my mind), the reality is that I get no where near.  Even with a beard! (Something of an experiment)

The Puma is Dead

Long Live the Puma!

The poor thing sprung a leak and I then obligingly cooked the engine.  What a great little car that was but I was only going to keep it for a few more weeks before I head of on my adventures.  My plans for world domination remain on track.

I could bore you with the story of the recovery guy who made out he was a horse dicked sex god but was in fact a big fat blob.  He meant well but he should have picked up on my nervous laughter and lack of eye contact as a sign to STFU.

So now to lots of walking and cycling and the occasional hire car.  You can see it will only be occasional because this is what they gave for a couple of days-

Eh...

I felt special in a "taste the colours" kind of way driving this thing.